Desperately Seeking Milia
by Minmei
Summary: [Suikoden 1] A...lighter take on the events at Seek Valley. Rated T for crude humor, unapologetic meanness, and all other offenses grand and puerile.


_Author's note: This started out as a fanfic poking fun at only Milia (note: poking fun, not hating), but became more with the addition of the Windy/Ted scene. What always irked me about this scene was how insensitive Milia was about the death. Now, some could argue that she was trying to be strong for the group, by remaining focused on the goal of the quest. Personally, I think a writer or two was being lazy that day. Whichever the reason, it caused a bit of unintentional humor for me, and thus, this story was conceived._

_I was too lazy to play again, so I borrowed the transcript from Suikosource. I drew inspiration from fanfic genius JinnanTonnyx, my friend Black, and some wily dick kicker who shall remain nameless._

* * *

The six souls wandered the desolate area in a bit of a trance. The surroundings were barely accommodating, but would certainly hold a group of humans for a day or two.

Actually, they weren't all humans. There was a kobold and an elf within the party, but neither of them was important. For you see, they had both acquired closure in past side quests, and thus were tossed back into the happy pile of one hundred and eight until their next two seconds of glory (which would be just before the final battle).

...But when one truly thinks of it, anyone else would have been just as unimportant in this quest. Unless, of course, their names were Flik, Humphrey, Tir McDohl, or Milia.

And speaking of Milia...

The female Dragon Knight stumbled about in a daze, as though fascinated or mesmerized by the clusters of crystal and all other things shiny and pretty. Perhaps it was because she had not spent much time outside the fortress she resided in. Or perhaps she was concentrating hard on the objective of this quest, which was to obtain the moonlight weed and make it back to the Dragon's Fortress in one piece.

Or perhaps she had something more important on her mind (other than getting in the pants of the captain Joshua Levenheit). Yes...maybe this quest was something she had to do for her own sake, in order to prove herself. If she succeeded in this quest with the other mortals, maybe, just maybe...she would be looking at a rank promotion...

But far be it from us to shatter the girl's dream by setting it before reality.

Joshua Levenheit my foot.

* * *

"Rar!" Milia shouted as she thrust her spear into the dancing ivy. Actually, it wasn't really dancing, and it wasn't really ivy at all, but rather, some innocent shrub unfortunate enough to have grown in an odd place. You know, where all the random encounters occur.

Milia ceased the act of attacking random innocent shrubbery an hour later once she realized she was only getting five experience points per battle. Plus, by that time, everyone else in the party had long left her behind.

The female dragon knight dashed ahead on the path which was clear, save for another seemingly silent shrub. Learning her lesson from the previous forty-something bushes she had attacked, she decided to pass it. But instead of going around it like any normal human would, she attempted to leap above it. However, she found herself crashing to the ground.

"Ohhh...what the..." Milia winced, lifting herself to a sitting position. She looked to the side, watching the ivy dance, several of its vines wrapped around her leg.

Milia laughed out loud. "Oh, I'm not falling for _that_again!" Taking her weapon, she effortlessly pierced through the wriggling extensions of the plant holding her leg hostage. She then continued on her way, abandoning a bloody gold mine of two thousand seven hundred and ninety-seven experience points and thirty thousand bits for the one-person party.

* * *

"Hey hey!" shouted Milia suddenly, hopping into the space a couple of steps behind Humphrey.

There was a loud clashing of weapon and floor. Humphrey turned around, completely unarmed and scarlet-faced.

"..." he said, because the lack of voice actors made it difficult to otherwise indicate silence.

Tir was dying to concur, but aside from his battle cry, he had used up his one line grieving over Gremio.

Kirkis, the elf in the party, might have said something as well, but thanks to lines being denied to unimportant characters, no one will ever know if he had an opinion.

The kobold Kuromimi, who was also unimportant, was too absorbed in the question of why he had been duped out of a name change at the last minute to even consider having an opinion.

"Milia?" Flik called to her. "Wh-what are you doing? And where were you?"

"Killing ivy," she responded vacantly.

"But...we cleared this path half an hour ago," said the one of the blue lightning.

"I guess they were baby ivy. It didn't take much to kill them."

"'Baby...ivy...'?" This made him uncomfortable for a moment, but then he shook his head. "Well, whatever. We still haven't seen any trace of the moonlight weed, so we were about to head up..." He shot a glance to Tir. "...right, leader?"

At this point, Tir was about to say something in reflex, but his thinking had already been done for him. Two separate lines of dialogue appeared in his head, the first, the more logical, straightforward one, and the second, the more irresponsible, rebellious, and even somewhat comical one. Out of pure spite, the Liberation Army's leader was tempted to choose the latter, but since previous experience had taught him what a waste of game clock and dialogue it would be, only to prove the former the better choice in the end, he went ahead and said the right thing.

"Great!" replied an enthusiastic Flik, even though he had not heard his leader's actual words. "Let's go!"

Finally reunited, the six ascended further up the mountain. Somewhere far in the distance was a rumbling sound of nuclear flatulence, followed by clanging metal and the grunting of a very old man.

* * *

Not too long afterward, the party came to a fork in the road. Doing the logical thing, they took the right path and got the damn treasure first. Later, they came back to take the left, only to find the Crystal Core boss clearly obstructing their way.

All six ran straight into it anyway, only to instantaneously display their surprise.

"What the hell!" Flik shouted, because the writing team had been a bit sloppy with punctuation that day.

It was a long and grueling battle. Hours passed, and it seemed like they wouldn't make it. Finally, they beat the boss and received some cool items x1 !11oneone Damn skippy.

After the fine distribution of goodies n' stuff, our heroes continued on their course.

Along the way, Milia was growing excited about something, and quite noticeably. After a while, Humphrey was unable to tolerate the annoyance.

"Lady Milia," he began, "Is there something on your mind?"

"Oooohhh, what makes you say that?" tittered the young dragon knight, a goofy look upon her normally blank features.

"You've become increasingly noisy in the past ten minutes, and the words 'moonlight' and 'weed' keep coming out of your mouth at an alarming frequency."

"Umm...yeah. Well, I'm just, you know, eager to make sure we get it."

The abnormally silent Liberation Army member nodded. "Ah...I see. Yes, accomplishing such a task may earn you the path to a higher rank, will it not?"

"Uh...yeah...that's it. That's exactly it." Something of a snort followed her words, but Milia immediately cleared her throat as if to somehow mask any implication meant by it. "WELL! What have we here but an open area which, coincidentally, is the final section of this dungeon AND contains our sudden necessity?"

"Ahh..." Flik sighed, stepping forward. His eyes fell onto a grassy plant shimmering beckoningly in the moonlight. "Could this be...moonlight weed?"

Stifling a gasp, Milia gazed straight ahead with wide, childlike eyes.

"That's moonlight weed, all right," came a voice out of nowhere. "It's used as a restorative."

Everyone, save Milia, who was still focused on the plant, drew their weapons and looked alert.

"Who's that!" Flik shouted, frantically looking around. "Come on out!"

His words were met with an amused sigh, and then a woman in sorcerer's robes appeared in front of them.

"I'm impressed that you made it this far. But I can't let you leave with the moonlight weed."

The man known as 'Blue Thunder' gawked at the lovely lady, not at all recognizing her, even though the player had been nice enough to drag Flik along on the Neclord quest. "Whoever you are, we had a rough time getting here! We're taking this stuff!"

Windy could only smile upon the handsome warrior waving his long phallic weapon at her in a most unhealthy manner. "Oh my, what an energetic young man. But I'm talking to Tir right now, so please be quiet. Tir, you must be getting tired of this Liberation Army game."

Tir placed a hand on his hip. _Not really. I've only got eight hours on the clock..._

"You will give me the rune on your right hand, the Soul Eater. Don't look so angry, Tir. I won't force you to give it up. I have something more elegant in mind."

But what Windy didn't know was that the look of fury in Tir's eye was due to his mandatory silence. What did a guy have to _do _in order to spout insults at the wench? The tempest within him dispersed immediately, however, when he heard Windy's next words.

"Come on out, Ted."

A flash of light was followed by the appearance of yet another familiar face.

"It's been a long time, Tir," Ted spoke, garbled voice, tousled hair, and crack-addict eyes not at all signs that he was hostile. "You sure were cruel to leave me behind on my own."

Tir hung his head in sorrow. _Son of a **bitch**! You **told** me to go!_

"But I forgive you. We're old friends. Now, will you give me back the rune I lent you? I was able to live 300 years because of that rune, so I need it. Please give it back."

The unchanging tone in the boy's speech caused Tir to look upon his friend in awe. So this was Windy's plot, to steal the Soul Eater by using his best friend as the instrument? What malice harbored Windy toward the world, that she had to use people and cause so many deaths in order to satisfy it? What further destruction would she bring about if mere failure were the outcome of this most critical moment? And what horrors did this witch have in store once she managed to become the formidable keeper of such paralyzing power?

Tir didn't care. He was pissed off about that 'leave me behind' comment.

"Th-the rune..." Flik gasped softly.

Going against the wishes of Leknaat, Tir conjured the power from his rune, in hopes of calling Ted out. It seemed to work, because two seconds later, the two were surrounded by a world of blackness.

_It is **so** on! _Tir dropped his hand angrily.

"Can you hear me?" Ted's voice came out muted, far away, but distinct. "I don't have much time."

Tir glared as he reached for his staff. _Damn right, you don't! When I get through with you..._

"A strange connection remains between the rune and the one who carried it, that is, me. I'm speaking to you through the rune. My body has been taken over by Windy's Conqueror Rune, and is no longer mine. The Conqueror Rune will eventually take over my soul as well...and that is why I must hurry."

The long, hard piece of wood shook in the Liberation Army leader's hands. Oh, how poorly could he control it.

He wasn't doing too great a job at keeping a lid on his emotions, either. The sad, sad tale had finally reached his heart, and he was on the verge of crying for his friend...

"Tir, you must promise to forgive me for what I am about to do."

Another flash of light moved the two back to the scene at Seek Valley, both still completely clothed and not having copulated in spite of their ten-second meeting. Somewhere, a disgruntled fangirl was pissing her panties.

"What was that?" said an anxious Windy. "Ted! Hurry up and take the Soul Eater!"

The stoic-faced puppet complied, taking a step toward his friend. "Please, Tir, give me back my rune. Or else I'll take it by force."

The young McDohl shook his head slowly, the grief forever in his expression. _?_

Windy leaned backward on one foot with twisted satisfaction, a nasty smirk blemishing her otherwise gorgeous features. "Oh, so you plan to fight Ted? You kill your own father, send your servant Gremio to his death, and now you want to fight your best friend? How sinful you are."

Ted was looking like he was about ready to kick some ass when the plot then ordered him to fall out from under Windy's spell. "Soul Eater, I spent 300 years with you. I know all about you. The meaning of your curse, your evil intentions." The speech began wearily, but his voice gradually strengthened. "On the day I lost my home, you stole the souls of everyone I knew in this world..."

_All nine of them?_ Tir wondered silently.

"During 300 years of wandering, you caused a great many wars and plundered countless souls." Ted's eyes widened in horror as the rune's most recent memories were made clear to him. "Including Odessa's! And Tir's father's! And Gremio's! You took them all! You steal the souls of those closest to your master, and grow in power!"

"Ted!" Windy snapped impatiently. "What are you talking about? Hurry up and get the Soul Eater."

"Having the Soul Eater near me has given me power," stated Ted, determination in his eyes. "Just enough power to move my own body. Now, Soul Eater! I command you as your former master! Take my soul now!"

The cursed rune acted as to the boy's wishes, causing two separate lights to surround both him and his friend. A moment afterward, the lights vanished and Ted collapsed onto the ground.

"Good...that's good," he said, panting. "Who needs a body that can't be controlled. I now return...the 300 years of life...that you gave me, Soul Eater..."

"Damn it!" the sorceress snarled. "Unbelievable! I'll have to..." She started to summon the magic from her partial gate rune; however, Tir and the Soul Eater were there to intercept her.

Windy glowered at the Liberation Army's leader, realizing she was outmatched. "Detestable creature. I'll take that rune from you someday." With an unrefined flip of the bird, she teleported away.

Ted glanced up weakly, managing a smile. "Don't look like that...Tir. I chose my path. I think it's...farewell for sure...this time. Take care. Live your life to the fullest...for my sake too..." He slowly fell, adding a dramatic touch to the third saddest death of the game.

Tears began to spill onto the cheeks of the young McDohl. Not only was he still a silent hero, but his best friend just died! I mean, do you have _any_idea how much that sucks? Dude.

"Hey, it's all right, man," Flik said, consoling the boy. He put a hand on Tir's shoulder, and together the two turned from the silent scene. The rest of the party followed suit...all except for Milia.

You see, Milia, who had been denied center stage this entire scene, approached the body of Ted. She would be the first-and only-to discover that he had not actually died.

"Heh heh heh..." The laugh came out muffled from the ground. Ted turned his head to the female Dragon Knight. "Pretty convincing, wouldn't you say? Stage lights work surprisingly well in this kind of environment! Anyway...I know you all came out here for the moonlight weed, so..." He groped around in his shirt pocket, producing a sample of the plant.

Milia's eyes widened with orgasmic surprise. _That's **perfect!**_ she thought to herself.

"Of course, I managed to snag this while Windy wasn't looking," boasted the boy, arm outstretched. "Actually, that's a pretty funny story-"

Milia kicked him in the face with no hesitation. Ted's neck snapped back, a thick, perpetual projectile of crimson and broken enamel rapidly spewing from his mouth. The Dragon Knight then made a grab for the weed; however, the boy maintained his tight grip on the fragments of the plant.

Meanwhile...

"It'll be all right, Commander," Flik assured the young leader. "Listen, we'll all be there for you. Right, guys?"

"..." Humphrey said, as Kuromimi and Kirkis gave a nod.

"Right, guys?" repeated Flik.

"..." Humphrey said again, as Kuromimi and Kirkis gave a nod.

Flik rolled his eyes. "Yo, Milia!"

_"You- **son-** of- a-"_ Milia was grunting as she struggled to pull the moonlight weed from Ted's unwilling hands. "_Let- **go-** of- the- **urgh-**_ Huh? WHAT? Oh...**_yeah,_** Flik! Yeah, **_sure!_**" Releasing one hand of the weed, she smacked the boy hard, causing him to forfeit the struggle.

"Harrumph!" The Dragon Knight glared upon the unconscious Ted in disgust. With the short, grassy threads in hand, she bent down and then proceeded to roll his body forward, pushing with all her might.

"See?" Flik was saying to Tir. "I know we can't replace your best friend, but we're willing to help you every step of the way. If you need anything, any time of day, just..."

"..."

Flik gave a look of appreciation to Humphrey. "Thanks. Couldn't have put it better myself, seriously. Anyway..." He directed his gaze back to his leader. "Are you gonna be okay?"

Tir nodded.

"Good, because I-"

He was interrupted by the sound of branches breaking, followed by a loud thumping noise.

All five turned around to Milia, who stood at the edge of the cliff, head bowed.

"Lady Milia...?" Humphrey questioned as they all approached her. "What are you doing? What was that noise?"

"Hmm?" Milia casually looked over to the party. "Well, um, y'see..." She continued mumbling. "Mm...woodpecker."

"A woodpecker?" the large soldier repeated.

"Yes, uh...I guess that woman accidentally left it behind..."

"Where's Ted?" Flik asked suddenly.

"Ted?" said Milia, looking as though she were deep in thought. "Let's see, Ted..."

"The boy who just **_died _**in front of all of us?" Blue Thunder reminded her. "Remember that?"

"Oh! Of course..." The girl shrugged. "H-he's dead now. Nothing to concern yourself with."

"Uh, but where's his body?"

Milia let out laugh, walking over to the space where Ted's body once lay. "I guess it just disappeared into thin air!" She stomped all over the ground, even hopping up and down a couple of times. "See? No body here, and nobody here either! Ha, ha..."

Tir shook his head at her, as he was the only one in the party sane enough to have taken offense at her revolting insensitivity.

"Anyway, this must be the moonlight weed," she stated, briefly holding it up for all to see. "Let's call it a day! I'm famished! Aren't you?"

The group of five stood there in silence as Milia strutted past them, humming something of a merry tune.

* * *

The only detectable signs of life after the party's departure-aside from the ever-grouchy Mace-existed somewhere in a dusty ravine, some thirty feet below the cliff where the confrontation with Windy had taken place.

Yes, the crumpled form deposited there by Milia was finally beginning to stir.

"Heh heh heh heh heh..." Ted awoke abruptly to the sensation of something hot and wet brushing up against his cheek. "S...stop it, hehe! Hahaha! HAHA! Wi-Wi...hahaha, Windy, HAHAHAHAHA! Not in front of the kids...huh?"

His eyes opened and he found himself face-to-face with a wyvern.

"Oh, crap..."

* * *

Though Milia had been the first to depart, she had somehow fallen a step behind the rest of the party. No one seemed to take notice of this, however. In fact, most had made it a point to ignore the girl's bizarre behavior toward the end of this quest.

The six finally made it back to the established entrance of the mountain, where Thrash, who evidently had been taught better manners than his master, was waiting ever so patiently.

"Okay," said Flik. "We didn't forget anything, did we?"

Humphrey looked to Tir, who looked to both Kirkis and Kuromimi. They all turned to Flik, shaking their heads.

"Hm..." Blue Thunder checked his own equipment before giving a nod. "Yeah, I'm good too...wait a minute. What about the moonlight weed?"

Again, Humphrey looked to Tir, who looked to the two unimportants. They could only shrug at one another, their expressions turning puzzled.

That's when their noses detected the scent of smoke and burning grass.

"W-wait," Flik said, suddenly looking very uneasy. "Didn't...Milia have it the whole time?"

With equally apprehensive looks upon their faces, the group reluctantly turned around.

Milia sighed as she lowered the small, elongated paper form which was in her hand, smiling back contently at the horrified party of five.

* * *

And the moral is, don't do drugs or you'll end up kicking innocent kids in the mouth. Or at least growing testicles as big as mine.


End file.
